What You Need to Host a Badass New Year's Eve Party

I'm not much of a singer but I do enjoy going to the karaoke bar and singing Clarence Carter's smash hit "Strokin'" for all the ladies every now and again. Seems like I'm always one upped by a stocky guy in a flannel shirt and yellow puffy vest though. That dude sings "Alone" by Heart. Like, better than Heart. Mouth wide open, veins popping out of his forehead, beads of sweat accumulating on his logger's beard. I can't compete.

So best case scenario someone has a New Year's Eve party with an at-home karaoke machine set up and no dudes in flannel shirts and yellow puffy vests on the guest list.

Make that Cards Against Humanity, plus any and all of its official and unofficial expansion packs.

Party games come (hard if you're this one) and go, but Cards Against Humanity, as long as it keeps growing and devolving as it has over the past decade, will never get old. It's truly the best adult group game invented since orgies.

Say "Happy New Year!" to the tune of a hacked-off head of a bottle of bubbles.

Fox Knives calls their Champagne sabres "Sciabola del Sommelier," the Italian translation of Champagne sabre, not because they're pompous wine snobs, but because all of these dramatic bottle beheaders are handcrafted in Maniago, Italy, and they speak Italian there. For its part, the town of Maniago is known for the smithing and production of steel blades used in all kinds of sharp tools, such as knives, scissors, and shears. The swords here come with your choice of nickel or bronze finished hilt, and a black lacquer wooden display stand. They also ship in a wrapping paper-ready Champagne crate for easy gift-giving.

I don't know exactly what will put you and your guests on a "New Year New You" sort of path, but a product with the word "Magical" in its name sounds like a pretty good place to start.

MagicalButter, or MB2, is a kettle-sized device that extracts the THC from cannabis (plus botanicals from other herbs if you're into that sort of thing) and incorporates it into base ingredients for elaborate feel-good drinks, entrees, and desserts. Or just a nice piece of feel-good buttered toast to nurse your NYE hangover.

In a few simple steps and the literal push of a button, the cooker's micro-processor controls will draw out the herbs' botanicals and fold them into butter, oils, and alcohols in as little as 2 hours.

Wishful thinking for you and yours heading into 2020, plus a happy reminder of how much your beloved friends are worth to you.

And on New Year's Day, a memento of how much money you threw away on the damn party that left you feeling like Dante's 9th Circle of Hell. Don't worry though, you get to go back to work tomorrow and start earning it all back.

Icicle dry ice drink stirrers turn swizzle sticks into staffs of billowing smoke to accent your Old Fashioneds and add visual drama to your glasses of Champagne (which will complement the physical drama you'll feel the morning after downing a dozen of them). Icicles have bottom chambers that hold small chunks of dry ice and let them puff out their trademark smokey vapors while you drink.

The Chambong is an elegant vessel used for the "rapid and enhanced" (and elegant!) consumption of sparkling wine. Just mind the bubbles, whose population density in champers is apparently, like, 4 times what it is in beer, as evidenced by an experience I had with my ex-girlfriend Karen in which we were at a fine dining restaurant and I attempted to down an entire glass of Moet before storming out in hurt and anger over her heartless words, but instead ended up choking and convulsing and gripping my throat croaking, "It burns! It burns!"

It's your party and you'll shut it down if you want to! I myself am partial to the Please Leave By 9 with no alternatives version, but this listing includes all the numbers on the clock face for you to insert after the "By." Pick 1, 2, 5, 7, whatever you're up for in the early hours of 2020, and let the sign maintain its integrity as a funny piece of party decor without labeling yourself a big ol' party pooper.