20 White Elephant Gifts for 2022

The Garbage Pail Kids Cookbook is on its way to win the hearts and destroy the kitchens of all the Messy Jesses and Messy Tessies out there. I believe the 35+ recipes it contains are even edible!

Of course, the cookbook also includes full-color illustrations true to Garbage Pail Kids style, so eating them might not be a Topps priority, or in the trading cards at all for you.

Hark! It's a Hork! Randimals Stuffed Animals are huggable mashups of our finest furry, feathered, scaled, and cartilaginous friends. Above you see the Randimals Hork, one possible outcome of a horse mated with a shark. I say "one possible outcome" because in my vision of a horse mated with a shark, the resultant plush toy would look like a giant shark with a horse-shaped protrusion sticking out of its belly.

Now here are some furry friends for you. And all your friends. The Cat Balls Calendar may be the premiere White Elephant and Dirty Santa gift for this holiday season. It compiles a spectacular testicular collection of kitties to count you through the months of 2023. Included Cat balls come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, sometimes in pairs, sometimes in sextets, and always in your face.

The only thing better than a tres leches cake is quatro tequilas on top of it. These Cake Topper Shot Glasses see your fluffy yellow sponges layered with rich buttercream icing, and raise you, well, a hearty nip of liquor to wash it down with.

UFISH USA puts the following note about their Penis Fishing Lure at the end of the rod-for-a-rod's description, but I think it merits stating right upfront: "PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A SEXUAL TOY, THIS IS A REALISTIC PENIS FISHING LURE, THAT MUST BE USED FOR FISHING ONLY."

The Penis Fishing Lure, aka The One-Eyed Worm, is a legit casting accessory, and a great gag gift for the fisherman in your life. Come to think of it, the Penis Fishing Lure is a great gag gift for all the fishies you might catch with it too.

I've got a message for you. A message of pure, buttery goodness. The Pad of Butter Notepad will make a fun addition to the desktops of anyone with a quirky sense of humor and, of course, anyone like me who enjoys a good pad of butter. A whole stick if it comes with a sleeve of saltine crackers.

Koko Nuggz weed-themed treats are so fun, so poppable, and so full of sugar and Rice Krispie carbs that even without the THC they'll probably get you high. Or, according to the Koko Nuggz nugget bakers, at least "shock friends and family if they watch you eat one."

Hmmm, yeah, not sure the Krispie balls are that realistic. Maybe if they watch you eat one over Zoom.

Nuggz come in over 20 flavors. All are basically Rice Krispie Treats covered in chocolate, with flavorings such as Cookies & Cream, Red Velvet Cake, Glazed Donut, and Kushberry added to suit individual tastes, and allow Koko Nuggz to create a whole line of snazzy labels for their jars.

I think this natural peanut butter mixer that attaches to your power drill is called NutBustir because NutBuster was already taken by a locking tune stabilizing system for guitars. And also, every Karen out there.

What's in a name though? That which we'd call a NustBuster, but due to trademark regulations have to call a NutBustir instead, will still attach to your drill, stir your separated nut butters with 12 to 18 volts of force, and eliminate the mess and sore forearms you'd experience doing it manually.

In addition to electric power drills, the NutBustir...oh wait. I just realized they called it NutBustir on purpose, not as a consolation prize. It's NutBustir, an attachment that busts the hassle of reincorporating nut solids with their oils by stirring them for you. OK, good on you, clever NutBustir namers.

Wood-fired pizza ovens, I see your 800-degree temperatures and crispy crusts, and raise you minus-100-degree temperatures and crispy crusts, crispy cheese, crispy pepperoni, and crispy tomato sauce! Freeze Dried Pepperoni Pizza. Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Ctrl+Alt+D*ckhead: regain control of your life...or at least your PC. No? Too cumbersome to have to press a giant pink penis with a face on it every time you need to delete something? OK, how about installing the Dickhead Keycap on one of your function keys, and setting it to ping your boss or call up the @username of your most hated Twitch rival each time you press it?

The Phone Umbrella may or may not serve your rays-eschewing needs as you text and TikTok your sunny day away, but as its maker rightly points out, the real purpose of umbrella sunshade for your damn phone is to be "cute and funny." These Phone Umbrellas come in a handful of different colors and designs, all fitting that bill.

I'm not a daily downer of hard boiled eggs, but I agree that when I do eat them, they're almost always a giant pain in the egg to peel. I've heard there are tricks to it - drench them in an ice bath as soon as they're finished, add baking soda to the water before boiling, use old eggs - but if the NEGG works as Video Grandma advertises, I'd much, much rather put my cooked unfertilized chickie in a screw-top container with some water and shake, shakeshake, sha-shake it peeled.

Girl, put your records on...because it's smelling like gym socks and month-old Taco Bell up in this car! This record player car air freshener, like many other car air fresheners, attaches to your vent louvers, where it probably emits scents just as cloying and fake-smelling.

But!

In addition to its swell retro record player design, the air freshener's freshening perfumes are injected into the records themselves, which you can swap out when they get old, or you're just sick of that smelly song, and which actually spin on the turntable in response to the vents' airflow.