Hit the Break: Spring Break Essentials

I'm including a few items in my Spring Break essentials collection that will help prevent you from: 1) catching any weird diseases on the way to your vacation, thereby ruining it; and 2) catching any weird diseases on your vacation, thereby ruining the rest of your year. Life, perhaps.

One is this Acteon Beach Towel, a snazzy microfiber issue that absorbs 3 times its weight in wet swimmers, splashers, and Spring Break pool float overboarders. And if you happen to pick up some sea scum or pool funk on your way out, the towel is also coated in a silver ion antibacterial treatment.

Each Acteon Beach Towel also comes rolled down to a muy packable, portable 3" x 3" x 7" cylinder.

PlaneAire Travel Mist knows you counted down the days to your trip to Cabo for 6 weeks leading up to it, and now it's finally here. You've trudged through security, shown your ID 9,000 times, waited in line at the gate, and have finally - finally! - gotten to your seat. And weee! are you ready to enjoy the next 6 hours of your life in the air because Cabo awaits on the other side.

Or rather, it would be waiting if you weren't about to catch a nasty bacterial infection from the 5-strong family of coughers and sneezers sitting beside and behind you.

Unlike standard disinfecting sprays and antibacterial gels, PlaneAire includes no chemicals, alcohol, or bleach in their Travel Mist cocktail of germ-slaying ingredients, opting instead for 100% natural, organic essential oils. The proprietary blend includes 6 of them, which PlaineAire says, in addition to eliminating over 99.99% of surface bacteria, will leave behind "a soothing, herbal scent."

Or rather, it would be waiting if you weren't about to catch a nasty bacterial infection from the 5-strong family of coughers and sneezers sitting beside and behind you, which will keep you holed up in your Dubrovnik hotel room for the first 3 days of the trip you spent the last 6 months counting down to.

I've seen "adult gummies" meant to get you F'd up, but Toast! Before You Drink Gummies are adult gummies that claim to prevent it. Or at least the hangover that follows. The headache. The ass-breath cotton mouth belching forth flavors of rancid whiskey and Coke. The churning stomach that doesn't know whether it wants a pile of bacon or a pile of barf bags. Maybe the second one, and then the first one. Wouldn't want to waste all that good bacon.

The Toast! proprietary formula looks to do 2 major things: 1) break down internal acetaldehyde, a chemical compound produced in the liver when you drink, and one of the leading causes of hangovers; and 2) reduce inflammation, which has a huge hand in creating sinus pressure, headache pain, and bloating.

Remember when I told you I want to help you avoid going into and leaving your Spring Break with an unpleasant bodily affliction? myONE condoms are your benefactor for the latter. Your personally tailored benefactor.

myONE Perfect Fit Condoms aren't custom-sized condoms, per se, but with 10 lengths, 9 widths, and 60 total sizes available, taking 15 seconds to line up your ruler like so and then wrap around your measuring tape like so is almost guaranteed to reward your efforts with a condom you can call myONE Perfect Fit.

Oh wait, I forgot one thing: you have to get an erection first. So I guess the process will actually take 16 seconds.