Presenting the Alphabet: 15 Gifts that Start with E

EZ Ice says its DIY backyard ice rinks are so fast and easy to put together that even your kids could do it. In 60 minutes! Which means you should definitely get an EZ Ice backyard ice rink and put those couch-lounging freeloaders to work. I see a Tuesday night winter hockey league with the boys in your future.

Here comes the Earwax Candle Kit just when you thought you couldn't find the perfect gift for your mom. I don't know about yours but I know my mama loves candles, and also hates waste, and based on the number of used Q-Tips I saw in the trash growing up, my sense is that she wastes a lot of earwax. Earwax that could be collected, pooled, and transformed into a gorgeous crusty-jar-of-mustard yellow bearer of light and romance.

I bet each candle is naturally scented too. Mmmm.

Hold on. Hold your chunks. Don't throw up your Taco Tuesday al pastors quite yet. The Earwax Candle Kit exists only in empty box, clever marketing, and your next gag gift to your friend Cornelius form.

The EdgeCross X, a home and portable gym consisting of a handled barbell, balance wheel, and resistance bands, says it can provide a total body workout that will rip you like an Olympic athlete in just 10 minutes per day.

According to its makers the EdgeCross X accomplishes everything it needs to in such a short time by engaging all of your muscles throughout all of its exercises. I guess kind of like how the Blizzident can clean your teeth in 6 seconds by brushing all of them at once.

A chrome-plated steel disk with 9 pieces of magnetized holographic foil, Euler's needs only a simple flick of the wrist to set it a-twirl with glimmering visuals and ever-changing, marginally disquieting noises that last for 975 years.

Yes, that is correct. I said 975 years. And I am exaggerating.

Oooh, Easy Kabob Maker, talk about chopping a log. Laying a brick. Parking some bark. Pinching off the perfect piece of meat on a stick. (The perfect tube steak, I'd like to say, but that would be mixing lewd metaphors.)

The Easy Kabob Maker is a meat-spurting wonder that claims it can make all of your favorite skewered ground beef, lamb, pork, and chicken treats in seconds. Just stuff a wad of seasoned meat mixture into the hollow bottom of the Easy Kabob, and then slide in its tamper until you see the kabob's beginnings appear at the other end. Grab a metal or bamboo skewer and insert it in the small hole opposite the oozing meat, until a half-inch or so of the skewer pops through. Then fully depress the tamper, and behold kebob formation as the Easy Kabob

It might be made of chocolate, but this penis is sized like a d**k. Shaped like a d**k. Textured like a d**k. It's even certified organic like a d**k! And it's all boxed and ready for you to send to someone you think deserves to eat a d**k. Anonymously, of course.

While the Easybreath mask carries the same depth restrictions as standard snorkels, it removes some of the difficulty and nuisance that come with breathing through a tube underwater.

First, there is no tube. Instead of biting down on a chunky, intrusive mouthpiece that may or may not be laced with MRSA, snorkelers fit Easybreath's panoramic full-face mask over their heads. This enables flippering fully submerged through water while breathing normally through both nose and mouth. Despite its extensive coverage, the mask retains a 180-degree field of vision.

Tribord also fitted its Easybreath with the same double airflow system used in domestic extraction fans to prevent mask fogging. And to preclude water from infiltrating the snorkel, the mask, and the human lungs, Easybreath has a built-in component that automatically plugs the top end of the snorkel when it's immersed.

Elephant Ear, which looks like a bottle of Windex with a hose for a spout...oh wait, it's a trunk! Ha! I figured it was called Elephant Ear just because it's for people with elephantine quantities of wax clogging their canals, but this makes the name doubly awesome!

So the Elephant Ear bottle system has a trunk that inserts into the opening of a waxy ear and then guides the flow of a peroxide and warm water solution into it. Users should tilt the ear getting ear-igated towards their shoulder and hold, or have their friend Cornelius hold, some sort of catch basin underneath the earlobe to catch the water that will trickle out. As the bottle empties, it will draw up wax deposits and drive them out of the ear as well.

Behold the offspring of the gym's dorkiest piece of cardio equipment and urbanity's most aggressive sharer of the road. The ElliptiGO is a performance bike with no saddle. A Precor that can cut off Escalades. Asphalt's answer to the stand-up paddleboard.

Use the ElliptiGO 8C model's first gear to grind up a 20% grade, or shift into gear 8 and hit speeds of up to 25 mph, all without the joint impact of running, or the discomfort of a bike seat partial to cavity searches.

The EcoTable 30 is a portable, collapsible outdoor table that sucks up more sun than your black leather car seats, and even puts its solar power reserves to better use that burning the bejeesus out of the backs of your legs. It's a solar charger built with 2 USB ports and 1 DC port able to charge most of the electronics you'd have with you camping, fishing, or just hangin' with Mother N.