Presenting the Alphabet: 18 Gifts that Start with U

A USS Enterprise engagement ring is what happens when true love collides with the reluctant decision to propose to a lady. As a male with a basic appreciation for the Star Trek TV series and movies, plus a deep respect for William Shatner, I understand Trekkies' commitment to the galactic anthology.

I also understand that when you've been with a girl for 5 years and she out of nowhere sets a ring-it-or-lose-it ultimatum, sometimes it's easier just to apply for a diamond loan than to risk the perils of singledom, such as figuring out what can go in the dryer and what needs to line dry, and never again receiving homemade rocky road fudge bars for your birthday. The bright side here is that if you're a Star Trek fanatic, at least you can attach something you truly love to something it would be fairly inconvenient to live without.

A while back, I showed my black-hearted ex-girlfriend Karen the Ultraskiff 360 and she asked if it was a Sit 'n' Spin for the water. And for once, before rolling my eyes at her lack of enthusiasm for anything she couldn't wear, drink from a stemmed glass, or use in the same sentence as the words "Taylor Swift", I thought about her comment.

Maybe it wasn't a dig. And maybe it wasn't that far off base either. Sure, the more knowledgeable and respectful would probably call the Ultraskiff 360 a personal watercraft for lake goers and seafarers. But it does kind of look like a Sit 'n' Spin for fishermen. I bet it's at least as fun of a ride.

Whoa. I thought the scariest thing I'd ever seen was a real live British boy who looks like Chucky, but Undead Teds have staged a coup and now reign supreme. Even if they don't have the same bone-chilling, soprano accent. Which they might. Teddy bear zombifier Phillip Blackman is English. Who's to say that while he's ripping out your stuffed buddy's stuffed parts and replacing them with bloody gashes and oozing organs, he isn't also teaching him to say, "I'm going to decimate your brains" with a glottal stop?

According to Understand Rap: Explanations of Confusing Rap Lyrics You and Your Grandma Can Understand the lyrical musings of hip hop artists are revered for their double entendres, their clever turns of phrase, their wicked metaphors, and their innate ability to confuse white people. Now, sure, some of the word-mashing brilliance is self-explanatory. Ludacris, in "My Chick Bad": "All white top, all white belt/And all white jeans, body lookin' like milk." Drake, in "Forever": "Last name Ever, first name Greatest/Like a sprained ankle, boy I ain't nothing to play with."

But what about some of the more abstract lines, especially those that: allude to atmospheric conditions in the hood; discuss activities restricted to gangstas; or use the ever-changing slang terminology for money, drugs, and females? For those lyrics, Understand Rap is here to elucidate.

For example, the line, "If Jeezy's payin' LeBron, I'm payin' Dywane Wade," from Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind", is apparently about buying drugs for a bargain price that correlates directly to NBA players' jersey numbers. No way would Grandma have figured that out on her own.

If you're using a USBKill stick you're either pen-testing, trashing your old PC for recycling, or being very, very...very evil. Come on now, I know he cooks eggs in the staff room microwave, and eats beef & bean burritos for lunch and then farts decaying anchovies at a paper mill the rest of the afternoon, but does he really deserve to lose all the contents of his personal laptop when he leaves a 3 on Friday to make his kid's soccer game and forgets to take it home with him?

Dudes, the morality of that decision is in your hands.

In its most ethical and appropriately-applied form, the CE-approved USBKill is a testing device that gauges how well your USB ports can stand up to power surge attacks.

I can't believe this United States Geology Map is 2D. Even in the closeup shots it looks like a raised relief map, a 3D piece of artwork. But maker 4D Map Art flat-out states, multiple times, that despite the optical illusion, and despite its creator's seeming affinity for additional dimensions, the United States Geology Map is printed in 2D. So if you're cool with a 2D United States Geology Map that's simply digitally rendered well enough to look like it's in 3D, this is your United States Geology Map.

Is your kitchen cabinet chaos getting a little too...spicy for your tastes? Or maybe a little too plastic storage container-y? UpperSlide Cabinet Caddies and Spice Rack Pullouts tidy up overflowing seasoning jars, baking product boxes, and other kitchen clutter, plus make them easy to find and access, with various sizes and shapes of wood racks mounted on sliding metal channels. Even better, all UpperSlide organizers are handcrafted by Old Glory 1 Woodworks in Louisville, KY, and made with 99% US-sourced content.

The Under Desk Hammock from Uplift Desk certainly solves the problems of how and where to take a nap at work. As for the why - you'll have to justify that one yourself.

Then again, while installing a hammock under your desk to sleep in may raise eyebrows around the office, at least having the hammock there will make it clear what you're doing under your desk. I say that because at my first job out of college I worked with a lady who was a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and one day we came back from lunch, and there ol' Fiona was, curled up under her desk. My boss freaked out and started shrieking, thinking she'd had a seizure or died or something.

Nah. Just takin' a power nap.

If you're someone who thinks adult toys are dirrrrrrty, the UVee is here to help you clean them right off. In fact, the UV-C sanitizing machine's tagline could be, "Get clean after you get off!" Or, "Get off in seconds, clean off in minutes!"

UVee's sex toy sanitizer runs a 10-minute cycle to kill 99.9% of bacteria that might have taken up shop on your vibrators, beads, and butt plugs after you tossed them aside the night before. You can customize the unit interior with dividers to accommodate various sizes of toys (though you'll probably need an alternative cleaning plan for the Wanachi Mega Massager) and the back of the UVee has USB charging ports and an additional outlet so you can keep motorized toys charged while they're de-funking.

Cover up your bad hair, and score yourself some evil glares with Uncle Bekah's Inappropriate Trucker Hats. Mama may have told you if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, but Uncle Bekah believes if you don't have anything nice to say, "Put it on a hat."

Inappropriate Trucker hats run the gamut of inappropriateness in both potency and topic. We start with "This Band Sucks" and "I Hate Working Here," and end up at "Stop Staring at My FUPA," "I Bleached My Asshole for This," and "I'm Here to Fuck Your Dad." Ouch. (Unless, of course, you're Dad!)

Upaloop-a, doompa-de-doo / I've got a brand new workout for you. Upaloop-a, doompa-de-dee / A fitness stool that will shrink a belly.

Take a seat, my dudes and ladies, and let the Upaloop Fitness Stool teach you how to twist, turn, and rotate your way to a stronger core and spine, improved posture, and possibly even better mental focus. The swiveling seat does more than just turn you to and fro, it forces you to find balance and rhythm as you rotate along the arced path created by the Upaloop's jointed post. Think of seated hula hooping, minus the hula hoop.