Tex Toys: The 10 Strangest Mixes of Tech & Sex

WARNING: Unless you W in the adult entertainment industry, some images on this page may be NSFW.

I still enjoy a good pair of Fundies and feel a moderate sense of unease in the presence of vagina coloring books. But the real oddities these days are the mainstream love games, sex toys, and accessories de lust that pair with smartphones and tablets. Have their own apps. Connect to...whatever...via Bluetooth. Check out our picks for the 10 Strangest Mixes of Tech & Sex. (Note: All items' prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.)

Leisure Suit Larry Collection $9.50. In my opinion, computer porn began circa 1987 in the aisles of an Egghead computer games store. It was called Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards. And I don't know if it's nostalgia or just my incredibly healthy sex drive, but playing the retro games on my PC still constitutes a pretty solid recipe for a boner.

Invisible Girlfriend/Boyfriend $25. These apps that conjure a text-based "relationship" with a real (hired) person acting as your pseudo significant other have managed to achieve viral levels of popularity amongst singles whose family and friends constantly pester them about their status, or who need solid evidence of a relationship to get the aggressive cat lady at work or skeev-o at the gym to back the F off.

Ladobi Erotic Film Earphones $31. If you're going to spend a fine Wednesday evening listening to people F softly, screw gently, hump sweetly, ball discreetly, and then F'ing bone completely, wouldn't you prefer that they not sound like Jack Black scraping sand paper along your eardrums? In what is perhaps the greatest contribution to the porn industry since waxing and laser hair removal, Ladobi Erotic Film Earphones have been designed specifically to enhance the male and female voices moaning, grunting, and talking in dirty pleasure throughout adult films.

LaunchPAD - Fleshlight iPad Case $30. The makers of male masturbatory aid the Fleshlight have created and configured the LaunchPAD iPad case to work in tandem with the former so that men may seamlessly simulate sex both tactilely with a device capable of impersonating a vagina, and visually with one capable of streaming porn or interactive naked girls on Skype (e.g., girlfriends, good sports).

Japanese Electric Piston Masturbator $220. The A10 Piston has risen out of what its creators call a passion to become the pioneers of electric masturbators. While (surprisingly, yet on second thought not surprisingly at all) other piston masturbators do exist, this one's up-and-down thrusting piston structure features a choice of several movement patterns that realistically simulate the natural sensations and strong stimulations of actual and variable sexual contact. Basically, this robotic vagina's got everything but the human girl flailing around it!

SexFit Sexual Fitness Tracker. Still in development by British sex toy online store and blog Bondara, the SexFit monitors your physical fitness and progress by thrusts instead of steps. That 5,000-per-day number doesn't sound so bad now, does it?

Svakom Gaga Sex Selfie Stick $180. Ladies' turn! This selfie vibrator takes the selfie craze to new depths. Literally It features a built-in HD camera and LED lights at the business end for ladies to record (or watch live on FaceTime!) their orgasms from the inside. Colonel Angus is gonna be so jealous.

OhMiBod blueMotion App-Controlled Wearable Vibrator $129. This Bluetooth-enabled pleasure machine is ergonomically curved to be worn any old time, and pairs with the OhMiBod app to allow lovers, friends, and strangers granted access to create some motion in the ocean with and iPhone or Android device whether they're right next to the ocean or oceans away from it.

KIIROO Onyx & Pearl $369. Both ladies and their lovers can get in on the action with KIIROO's Onyx & Pearl male masturbator & vibrator set. Designed primarily for couples spending days/weeks/months apart, they combine Bluetooth connectivity and sexy video chat possibilities. The Pearl for women has capacitive technology that corresponds to contracting rings inside the dude's Onyx, so when paired with video chat, gyrating couples can see, hear, and feel every one of their partner's moves in real-time.

Private Gym Penis Trainer $100. It's the one body part P90X neglects. But before you reach for a Viagra to long-and-strongify your johnson, the Private Gym DVD-guided training program would like its shot at building you a boner of steel capable of achieving orgasms more powerful than the Hulk wearing Mark III.