The Top 14 Manuals for Learning Random & Dubious Skills

Most of us are well versed in the obvious ways to become a federal criminal, but for the more creatively minded out there, How to Become a Federal Criminal will give you tips on earning the status through some more unconventional and outrageous shenanigans.

Mike Chase, creator of the @CrimeADay Twitter account, has condensed some of his best finds into a compendium of the most bizarre offenses one might commit that would alert the feds to gear up and nail one's ass. Obviously, many of Chase's examples of How to Become a Federal Criminal are historical, and not too relevant in today's world. At least they will be until the wrong people read his book and start "testing the waters" by: clogging a toilet in a national forest (6 months in federal prison); wearing a postal uniform when they don't work for the post office (6 months); and writing a letter to a pirate (3 years).

Boost your confidence to be as big as your bulge! Grow a pair of balls to match your huge cock! How to Live with a Huge Penis explores and allays all the insecurities about the genetic birth defect known as Oversized Male Genitalia, or OMG.

According to authors Dr. Richard Jacob and Rev. Owen Thomas, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG each year. If you're one of them, they urge you not to accept being thrust to the outskirts of society. Don't allow people to poke fun or make you feel inadequate. Learn the skills you need to do some thrusting and poking yourself! Prove adequacy is in the eye of the...eye sitting at the end of a 12" donkey dong!

In addition to bringing you reassurance and hope, How to Live with a Huge Penis provides guidance on: coming out to your friends and family; having sex with a member some may find intimidating; and getting the most out of the unexpected advantages of a huge penis.

My wife suggested we use these weeks of sheltering in place to learn a new language, and I say, why stop at one? With How to Swear Around the World, we'll learn to bestow one another with titles of "dirty whore" and "lazy SOB" in myriad languages. No assistance of native speakers, piles of translation dictionaries, or the high school French class we like Zoombombing with the "Despacito" video required.

The explicit phrasebook harbors throngs of crudities, everyday blasphemes, and beatific means of suggesting the dude jump roping in the condo directly above you go F himself in dozens of different languages.

Ooh, I see there are also illustrations.

Random, but in these times, practical! Plus, you can actually put the skills you'll learn in How to Smoke Pot (Properly) to use immediately - and frequently! - over the next few weeks.

In this Highbrow Guide to Getting High author David Bienenstock explores the best and...the best...of recreational marijuana use in a time he describes as "this bold, new, post-prohibition world."

How to Smoke Pot (Properly) begins with the basics of simple inhalation, and then moves on to more esoteric topics, such as how marijuana makes us more creative, collaborative, empathetic, and open to life's pleasures. Recipes for edibles are included, of course, as are answers to all the FAQs smokers Google when they're high: How can I land a legal pot job?; Should I eat a weed cookie before boarding the plane?; What exactly are snozzberries supposed to taste like?