What to Bring on a Cruise: Stuff You Didn't Think Of

Posted: June 18, 2019

What to bring on a cruise that you haven't already thought of? No, not vacation porn.

You definitely already thought of that.

Also, cats into cruising, even those hitting up the cruise ship for the first time, know they need to bring stuff like a good pair of sunglasses, a swimsuit, and a boatload (yuk, yuk, yuk) of sunscreen.

But think inside the box - the box being the cruise ship - for a minute. Think about the space you'll have, the environment you'll be in, the places you'll go, and the rules you'll be expected (but attempt not to) follow. Those are the cruise-specific conditions I'd like to make my stuff-to-bring suggestions for. Check it out, see what you think.

Or didn't think of.

Poo-Pourri Before-You-Go Toilet Spray - 10mL Travel Size

Holy crap! You just dropped a deuce in you 5-square-foot bathroom, and the second you open the door that smell is going to permeate the entirety of your 25-square-foot cabin. That you're sharing with 3 other people.

Or just the lady you've been dating, and are on your very first vacation with.

Or just the chick you met on the Lido Deck who ~~wants~~ wanted to have sex with you before the all-you-can-eat midnight buffet caught up with your GI tract.

Poo-Pourri stifles bathroom stink before it's able to creep out of your own toilet bowl deposits when you deposit a few pumps from its nozzle into the bowl before you assume the throne. Poo-Pourri's blend of natural essential oils spreads across the surface of the water, creating a scent barrier over anything that subsequently plops! through and settles beneath it. Here it's available in a discreet and easily packed 10mL travel size.

$4.99 ➠ Amazon

Suction Cup Travel Bottles

Suction cup travel bottles stick right to the shower surround! So even if there's no dish or ledge I'll never drop my soap - and never have to bend over and pick up my soap - again. Ahhh, maybe that bad childhood memory will finally start to fade.

For real though, the addition of suction cups to your otherwise pretty standard travel bottles is damn smart. So many cruise cabin bathrooms either don't have enough space for all of my and my wife's (i.e., mostly my wife's) body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, razors, shaving gel, and exfoliating mask, or the space they have gets slippery or pummeled with water during showering, and the stuff just keeps falling off when you're in there. Stable, water-friendly suction cups solve both of these problems.

$21.99 ➠ Amazon

Activated Charcoal

An oral supplement, Wild Coal activated charcoal binds to toxins and other unwanted crap in your belly, and then moves them along, allowing your body to dispose of them easily and comfortably using one of its fun body disposal techniques.

You don't have to get Wild Coal - any brand of activated charcoal will do the same thing - but having some of this on hand can be a real lifesaver if you eat something that sours or completely F's up your stomach, especially if it's just before an offshore excursion...or the flight home.

Even at home I take activated charcoal on any night I eat and drink too much, and while I might still have a rippin' headache the next day from the booze, my stomach is usually sound. Just be sure to drink a full glass of water with the pills when you take them, or they might plug up your poop hole.

$12.95 ➠ Amazon

Collapsible Silicone Water Bottle

For offshore excursions, or offshore stops where you don't want to drink the water. This reusable bottle saves the oceans from another hunk of plastic, and its collapsible nature saves your bags from a space-hogging Sigg or Nalgene.

$15.97 ➠ Amazon

Portable Travel Elastic Clothesline

From wet bathing suits to water-logged clothes that got caught in one of those nothing-like'-'em island thunderstorms, a portable clothes line, like suction cup travel bottles, is another cruise cabin space-creator. Where before you had a doorknob or two, maybe the back of a chair, now you have a clothesline that can stretch up to 10' and attach anywhere with its steel hooks. Clothespins, plus restraint clips to keep them from sliding, are included.

$9.99 ➠ Amazon

Cruise Flask Kit

I mean, probably you thought of this. Or at least some way to sneak booze on your cruise if you didn't go for the all-inclusive package.

Those of you who don't know what this is or why you'd need it, if you're paying for your drinks on your cruise, get ready to pay big. Or! Smuggle your own alcohol aboard. The soft, flat-pack 32-ounce container with the screw top in this photo is literally called a "cruise flask" since it's easily hidden, and people mostly buy them to sneak liquor on cruise ships.

Cruise staff always does a once-over of passengers' luggage to look for alcohol, and confiscates whatever they find. Watertight, pliable flasks are easy to wrap up in clothes, or seal inside cargo short pockets.

And the kit's sunscreen bottles, well, those you don't even need to hide. Once on board and heading to the pool deck, you can use the fake lotion containers to transport and consume your booze in the open (with some discretion, of course.) The kit even includes a set of "unopened product" seals for the sunscreen in case someone unscrews the top to check them out.

$11.99 ➠ Amazon

Packable Daypack

For your off-ship excursions, or even toting sunscreen, hats, and e-readers to the pool deck onboard, an ultra-lightweight daypack that itself packs down to the size of a sandwich can come in handy.

This one from ZOMAKE has 20L of storage space unfolded, and is made of a tear-resistant nylon coated in a waterproofing material. It should give you plenty of room for personal items, snacks, and souvenirs, plus stand up to pokes and bulges if you max out its main interior or pair of zippered compartments with any of them.

The daypack weighs 8.8 ounces and comes in about a dozen different colors, each with its own zippered pouch for stuffing and storage.

$15.99 ➠ Amazon

Waterproof Pouch

Two thumbs up to snorkeling and kayaking excursions, but invert those thumbs when someone suggests you just leave your phone / wallet / camera in the cabin. Or just hope you don't get sea-sprayed in your dinghy-sized boat.

These dry bags (optionally worn as dry fanny packs!) give options for stashing your salt water perishables while in close contact with water.

$10.99 ➠ Amazon

Flyby Hangover Prevention & Recovery Pills

Who closed down the conga line by going 3 laps around the dance floor solo last night? Hmmmm?

Flyby, like most other alcohol supplements, is best taken before and/or right after your consume, but with ingredients shown to help metabolize alcohol-induced toxins, and prevent hangover symptoms like nausea, dry mouth, and loss of appetite, if you're illin' on the flip side, a few morningtime capsules could help them Flyby.

$17.99 ➠ Amazon

FlexSafe Packable Travel Vault

Why a FlexSafe? Because of that one time when I was Floaty Pantsin' around a pool full of women's beach volleyball players and didn't notice some punk kid snatch my bag. My wallet. My phone. My keys. My Ziplocs of granola and refreshing frozen grapes!

AquaVault made their packable FlexSafe to thwart Theivy McThieversons on the pool decks and beach offshores, plus anywhere out and about on land during normal life.

$69.95 ➠ Amazon

Tenga Easy Beat Eggs - Men's Portable Pleasure Devices

What? A masturbatory aid. Yes, 100% yes. Especially if you're on a cruise with your family and have zero chance of getting laid.

And especially if you're on a singles cruise and quickly realize you have zero chance of getting laid.

Yeah, you could try to TCB in the shower, but have you been in one of those cabin bathrooms before? If you're not ballin' in a suite or a penthouse, they're barely wide enough to get an erection while standing in.

I mean, for some of us....

$6.46 ➠ Amazon

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