Beastie Bar Deep Tissue Massager
- Beastie Aggressive Massage Ball - $24.95
- Rumbleroller Deep-Tissue Massage Roller - $69.95
- AccuPoint Roller Tube - $12.50
- Beastie Massager Hook - $29.95
- Beastie Ball User's Manual - $19.95
They term the type of massage RumbleRoller's Beastie Bar delivers "aggressive." I think you could also call it "penetrating," "effectively deep," and "more painful than a head-butt in the hamstring from a unicorn." Look at this ominous mace of a health and wellness tool. Dig that thing into your knotted back or calf and it's gonna elicit some explicit facial contortions, and possibly some explicit audio. But if RumbleRoller and John Cougar Mellencamp are to be believed, sometimes these things don't feel like they should not because they hurt, but because they hurt so good.
Self-massagers come in many shapes and persuasions, but the Beastie Bar claims to be the only stick variety enabling users to administer themselves a kneading that truly mimics professional deep tissue treatments. The Beastie bumps attach at the center of a grooved, grip-friendly bar for manipulation on virtually any part of the body accessible by hand. For less handy areas, the Beastie Bar's pair of detachable stands secure the massager in place for rolling along hard-to-reach parts of the posterior chain, such as the upper back and glutes.
Ahhh, the glutes. I cannot tell you how many times I've come home from a grueling 1/2-mile walk to the 7-Eleven and thought, Gaahhh! All I want right now is for a 6'2" Swedish fitness model to dig her elbows into my ass! Thanks to Beastie Bar, it appears I'll be able to modify my desires to a more normal yearning for a 6'2" Swedish swimsuit model whose boobs trump her elbows as anatomical highlight.
DudeIWantThat.com is reader-supported. When you buy through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. Learn more.
/myo-telekinetic-armband-17931.jpg?mode=crop "MYO Telekinetic Armband")
MYO Telekinetic Armband
Well, telekinetic is only part of the story. Is telemusculokinetic a word too? Maybe that's redundant. Remote control muscles? Yeah, let's go with RC muscles. MYO armbands transform muscles--specifically the arm, or as...
/waves-mfs-physio-tactical-14371.jpg "Waves MFS Physio-Tactical Pocket Stick")
Waves MFS Physio-Tactical Pocket Stick
Designer Rainer Wenning calls his Waves MFS a "physio-tactical" palm stick, which might be the best bit of pretentious, made-up terminology I've ever heard. Because what "physio-tactical" basically means is that after...
Muscle-Enhancing Shirt
Money can squeeze the fat in, and now money can carve the muscle out. Which means there are exactly 0 reasons left for me to exercise. What? Avoiding heart disease and diabetes? Psshhh! Preventable, life-threatening afflictions...
Up - The Don't Slouch T-Shirt
Up T-shirts award "dream posture" to both men and women with an integrated, flexible, extra-thin film woven into their fabrics at trigger points (shoulders, upper back) shown to encourage long spines, open chests, and...
Fat Gripz Arm Builders
Obviously the best thing to do if you want to be as strong and jacked as humanly possible is take a lot of steroids. But since steroids are expensive and mostly illegal and might make you talk like Mickey Mouse, an alternative...
Swim Desk
While great for your joints I'm not so sure how good the Swim Desk is going to be for your computer and mobile phone. Definitely recommend keeping a vat of rice on hand while work-stroking at it. And also maybe an EMT...
/cat-face-massager-61583.jpg?mode=crop "Cat Face Massager")
Cat Face Massager
I see this Cat Face Massager and have one thing to say to my own cat / arch nemesis about it: get ready for an enemies to lovers story, Zanzibar!...
/the-royal-purple-no-pressure-22403.jpg "The Royal Purple No-Pressure Seat Cushion")
The Royal Purple No-Pressure Seat Cushion
Check out this video of a dude sitting on an egg without breaking it. It's Purple's most viral-icious way of depicting their seat cushions' #1 selling point: put your butt on a Purple and you'll feel like you're sitting...
Short Sleeve Weighted Training Shirt
Here's a way to make yourself way less comfortable, but way more badass while working out. The TITIN Force is a complete weighted compression system all tucked into a short sleeve shirt. It utilizes a 3-part hyper gravity...
/neck-carriage-titanium-palm-26829.jpg?mode=crop "Neck Carriage Titanium Palm Cap Stick")
Neck Carriage Titanium Palm Cap Stick
Ti Rod Tactical's Titanium Palm Cap Stick might be the most strangely versatile piece of EDC you can hang around your neck. The 5" long x 0.44" in diameter piece is made of an aerospace grade 5 titanium rod, surrounded...
Hyperice - Recovery of the Future
When I feel a tinge of pain during my engagement in taxing pursuits of physical prowess, such as owning the squash court and attending Zumba classes, I calmly remove myself from the action--no matter how many feisty Latinas...
/the-backpod-35802.jpg?mode=crop "The Backpod")
The Backpod
Have you gotten the new iHunch yet? The Backpod is a tool developed in New Zealand (so it's Kiwi green, naturally) to relieve the back and neck pain, headaches, and poor posture that can result from the hours we spend...