The Hillary Nutcracker

This is exactly what I need, Pelamatic. A Robito Almendra Electric Nut Cracker to pair with my She-Ra: Princess of Power and Mama Human Ball Busters. So when my sore, butt-hurt junk is recovering in my Testicuzzi, I'll...

Naomi is like one of those girls who is incredibly hot and arousing, but also kind of stony and completely unapproachable. Dare speak to her, or even look at her for one beat too long, and she'll crush your nuts like...

Munching on pistachios is my jam. Cracking open the shells, watching them pile up into a mountain of accomplished noshing. It's a fine way to spend a Saturday afternoon. But doing it can really leave an impression. A...

You can also get a Chia Hillary Clinton, but I think that one looks more like Benjamin Franklin wearing a necklace...

TIE Fighters may be fragile, but they're strong enough to crush your nuts. Rebel pecans, Jedi almonds, your only escape now is through my GI tract!...

Whether you're for or against him, MG Anthony has compiled thousands of black lines and white space that will set you up to "show The Donald in his true colors." And I have to say, The Trump Coloring Book does a pretty...

I cannot trust the Torq Nutcracker to meet my pecan-crushing needs without a video. Come on, where's the video of this wicked-looking feat of black steel and 3D printing turning, turning, turning and cracking, cracking...

Typically the words "ship" and "crack" do not go well together. But here, reimagined as a countertop brass ship wheel and nutcracker, they make a mighty fine pair, and give your unopened pecans and walnuts, your almonds...