Household

Iron, Man Ironing Board Cover

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One thing I've never owned is an iron. Not that I'm complaining or consider myself deprived. Owning an iron would probably just make me feel guilty about owning an iron and never using it. I mean, my clothes look great...

R2D2 Measuring Cups

$74.99 Amazon »

What? R2-D2 measuring cups?! Dude. If R2-D2 can make me some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies in honor of the fact that I want some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, my whiny ex-girlfriend will officially be correct...

Good Grips Mango Splitter

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OXO says, "There's nothing as luscious as a ripe mango." OXO obviously has never seen Kate Upton's rack. Or Kelly Brook's. Or Christina Hendricks'. However, I do agree

Rustic Porch Swing Bed

$1,199 - $1,699 Etsy »

Even if I weren't the Laziest Man Alive I could get down with a king-size mattress hoisted atop a solid wood porch swing bed. Swaying supine in the June breeze, dozing and drooling, sipping 7 & 7 Big Gulps...ahhh, it's...

Cork Globe

$200 SUCK UK »

I think someone should make a globe out of bubble wrap so that every time I visit a different country I can gratifyingly pop it off the world. Get to work on that, someone, will you? And in the interim, I guess this cork...

Slothzilla Shower Curtain

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So...I guess Slothzilla sounded better than King Sloth or Sloth Kong? Or maybe it's creators were just taking a page out of sloth the animal's own book and being lazy about fact checking their re-imaginations of iconic...

Han Solo in Carbonite Rug

$49.99 - $69.99 ThinkGeek »

Sure it's a cool novelty item to have in your family room or front entryway, plus embodies that which brings you the greatest joy in life (Star Wars), but do you really want to be the type of person who keeps Han Solo...

Japanese Electric Piston Masturbator (NSFW)

Discontinued

Note: The Japanese electric piston masturbator's NSFW designation serves not so much as a reminder that this device is not suitable to view at work as it does a reminder that it is not suitable to use at work. I found...

Slice Ceramic Safety Cutter

$4.85 Amazon »

Slice makes kinder, gentler tools in soothing hues to perform some of life's rigorous and thankless tasks. Such as opening boxes and impossibly-sealed packages. Hacking through shrink-wrap. Clipping coupons. At least...

Wine Bottle Thermometer

$22.80 Amazon »

I drink all my wine on the rocks, so I don't really need a wine bottle thermometer, but if you're into the whole tradition and preservation and quality thing, maybe you'd like to slip this thermal readout cuff onto your...

Zipstrip Herb Stripper

$7.95 Amazon »

I question this Zipstrip's ability to zippily strip cilantro stalks, which is pretty much the only (culinary) herb I'm aware of that doesn't make me want to sneeze and vomit simultaneously, but if you like rosemary, thyme...

Flip On/Off Alarm Clock

$42 - $49 Amazon »

I see how the ease of just tossing a blaring alarm clock on its head to turn it off could be very dangerous for some people. If you don't have to work for the deactivation--dig for a minuscule button, chase a rolling...

Carbon Fiber Toilet Seat

A gold toilet seat: ostentatious. Indulgent. Ridiculous. A carbon fiber toilet seat: inconspicuous. Practical. Awesome. It's not an extravagance, it's...it's...well, I mean you need a toilet seat, right? And you need...

Dragon Sink Faucet

Discontinued

I can hardly stand the anticipation. Game of Thrones. Season 4. Less than a week away. I might pee my pants. Hey! Someone turn off that dragon sink faucet! It's not helping my continence! Hey, wait...a dragon sink faucet?...

Sugru - Self-Setting Rubber

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One time when I was a young boy I, like all young boys, wanted to hang a Tawny Kitaen poster on my wall. But I didn't have any poster putty on hand, so as an alternative I licked its 4 corners and stuck Tawny to my closet...

Sarlacc Toilet Decals

Discontinued

Like most great ideas, Robbie Rane came up with his Toilet Sarlacc decals while hanging out with friends, having a few beers, and talking shit. One guy mentioned dropping the kids off at the pool. Another spoke of ending...

Power Mitt Oven Glove

$39 Power Mitt »

Amidst all this talk of 2014 being the year of wearable technology, Pete Hottelet's Power Mitt reminds me that the real year of wearable technology was 1989. Even though it's kind of the bastard child of Nintendo on account...

Snack Attack Cookie Cutters

$11.99 Perpetual Kid »

Why do I need a cookie cutter with a bite taken out of it? I can do this myself. In fact, when I have cookies taking bites out of them is pretty much all I do. I like the shark though. Kids might dig this whole Snack...

Spinning Turbo - Turbocharger Keychain

$7.99 Amazon »

I turboed my motorcycle. I turboed my boat. I turboed my go-kart, my moped, my lawnmower. And last week I pulled off the turbo of all turbos: I sneaked into my preachy, pinched-nose, Aren't-you-going-to-recycle-that?...

Eggling Crack & Grow Plants

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Egglings are kind of a weird mash of concepts. Like, an egg is supposed to be a womb for growth, but if you crack it before the growth cycle is complete you don't get life, you get breakfast. With this egg though, if...

Panny Key Block

$14 - $19 Panny »

I've seen a Veruca Salt-sized Santa Claus sack of wallet and keychain "innovations" over the past few years, and while Panny may not turn the world on its head like the Coin card consolidator, it's definitely making a...

How to Pee with Morning Wood

$13.95 - $60.90 Zazzle »

A self-help guide to dealing with the enormous issue I face first thing in the morning every single day of my life and it's packaged as whimsical wall art that will add immeasurable character to my bathroom? How to Pee...

Curling Pan - Shapeshifting Cutting Board

Right now Juan Lee's Curling Pan is just a concept. A wicked concept that Juan better make happen because a cutting board that curls up into a frying pan when it hits the heat of a stovetop burner? Holy balls that's some...

The Official DC Comics Super Hero Cookbook

$16.67 Amazon »

Well I know I would like a Batman mini pizza and some Martian Manhunter cupcakes for lunch today. And The Official DC Super Hero Cookbook says it is suitable for use by people ages 6 and up, so even if my mama refuses...