Burglar Blaster

Burglar Blaster, the DIY Home Security System, Scenario 1: It's late. You're in the living room watching your DVR of Michigan about to bone it in the tournament after two rounds of respectable action (sorry, Cornelius, but it's gonna happen.) Or you're playing video games. Or you're enjoying some porn. (That about covers all the possibilities, right?) You hear a noise...scratching...rattling...something out of the ordinary at the front door. You do not have a DoorBot. Or a Jagdkommando knife. And anyway, you abhor fighting. Mostly because if he's breaking into your house he's probably significantly bigger than you and possibly armed. So too, though, is the Burglar Blaster. With a passive infrafred detection system able to control areas up to 2,000 square feet. A system that, when triggered, fires 4 ounces of OC pepper spray to debilitate intruders and give intrudees time to escape.

Burglar Blaster, the DIY Home Security System, Scenario 2: You stumble in drunk one night, forget that the high pitched ringing in your ears is from your Burglar Blaster, not the alcohol-EDM tag team you happily let slap you around for the past 5 hours, and 40 seconds later crumble to the floor, writhing in pain, frantically trying to tear out your eyeballs.

I see Scenario 2 as a more likely addition to my future were I to own a Burglar Blaster. But for smarter, more responsible people the simple, self-contained, wire-free alarm and combatant could be an effective way not only to stop an intruder, but also to drop the d-bag and keep him contained until the cops arrive to bust him*. Presuming you live in a place where the cops actually respond to 911 calls.

With no electrical wiring, Blasters remain unaffected during power outages, and can function up to 4 years on a single set of "C" batteries. On/off switching when the unit is set is controlled either by a key or a manually-activated button. Time delay before pepper spray deployment post-entry is programmable to between 0 and 40 seconds, and the warning tone that sounds emanates nondirectionally, so anyone who doesn't know where it's coming from won't be able to trace its source.

Though pretty steep at nearly $600, I guess the Burglar Blaster is still far cheaper than most home security systems that require initial installation fees, and then carry a monthly service rate as well. My advice for anyone who wants to go even thriftier? Hot Wheels. A couple dozen of them placed in front of your doors and windows. You know, like Macauley Culkin did in Home Alone. That kid was a genius.

*Or her, stalker ex-girlfriend whose name starts with an A and ends with a Do you think I don't see you hiding behind displays of chia seeds and flax meal at the Whole Foods?