Alligator in a Manhole Doormat
/alligator-in-a-manhole-doormat-7774.jpg "Alligator in a Manhole Doormat")
- Mooning Garden Gnome - $17.45
- My Two Favorite Things Are Guns & Sleeping Late Doormat - $28.96
- NYC Manhole Cover Trivet - $18.99
- New Orleans, LA Water Meter Manhole Cover Pendant - $35.95
- Mustache Doormat - $24.19
Though not as blood-curdling as a breaching shark in an elevator, an alligator snarling up through a manhole cover on my front doorstep should make uninvited visitors take pause long enough to second guess their decision to disrupt my Air Supply rock-out session and game of One-Man Twister.
OK, I know you're going to think I'm making this up because I make shit up all the time, but I swear this is a true story. I swear on the condition that if it's not true, I'll sell all of my gaming consoles and Air Jordans on Craig's List and devote my life to helping others with no expectation of payment or personal gain. Believe it. And believe this:
When my dad was little, maybe 3 or 4, you could keep alligators as pets, so his dad sent him a baby alligator from Florida for his birthday. I don't know how long he had it before the incident, but I do know that since kids thrive on touching things whether they are supposed to or not, one day he picked the gator up out of its aquarium, held it in front of him, and stared into its eyes. Yeah, you know what happened. It bit him in the face. But not just bit him, bit him and latched on. Snout along top lip, jaw underneath chin, game over. When an alligator's maxillofacial muscles contract, the hands of man have no hope of releasing them. His mom had to drive him to the hospital...or maybe the vet...with the thing hanging from his mouth so they could knock it out and pry it off. Probably they let it loose in the Chicago sewer system after that, but my dad never ran into it again, say, nostalgically peeping up at him through a manhole cover like how the guy who raised the Clydesdale horse reunited with it years later during a Budweiser parade. He does carry the gator's memory in the form of two small scars on his lip and chin though.
/just-text-us-doormat-42515.jpg?mode=crop "Just Text Us Doormat")
Just Text Us Doormat
"Just text us when you're here. No need to knock and get the dogs involved." Whether you're a pet owner or not, this doormat sends a relatable message. And since anyone who comes over is certainly on their phone right...
Pyro - Open Palm Fireball Shooter
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. I know because only Santa could make a hidden wristband that allows me to launch fireballs from my open palm, and only Santa could make it available for my mama to purchase for me...
True Mirror - How Others See You
The True Mirror idea is simple (and old; it was first patented in 1887): place two mirrors at right angles and have a look-see. Its effect, though, elicits the complexities of realization spanning everything from Whoa!...
/river-rock-door-mat-62343.jpg?mode=crop "River Rock Door Mat")
River Rock Door Mat
Ever fantasized about stepping across a babbling brook every time you cross your threshold? The River Rock Floor Mat turns that whimsy into reality, minus the soggy socks. Crafted with the smoothest stones that Mother...
HOLHO - Smartphone Hologram Generator
HOLHO. It's like a portmanteau of Holla! and Jai Ho! And the contraption is an Italian design, so we've got some real cultural diversity going on here in the world of holograms. A pyramid-shaped structure that sits on...
/fun-with-anatomical-optical-39428.jpg?mode=crop "Fun with Anatomical Optical Illusions (NSFW)")
Fun with Anatomical Optical Illusions (NSFW)
I've found some choice anatomical optical illusions for your viewing pleasure this evening (or morning with your computer rearview mirror on your monitor at work). Most are just momentary illusions whose true nature is...
/leidenfrost-effect-ring-23711.jpg "Leidenfrost Effect Ring")
Leidenfrost Effect Ring
I love the dude who makes Grand Illusions' videos. I think his name is either George or Hendrik. Both because George Auckland and Hendrik Ball are the two Brits who founded and run Grand Illusions out of an 18th century...
Shtox Ever-Spinning Glass
The German-made Shtox glass, a Red Dot Design Award winner with a bottom primed for rotational movement, has the patented capability of spinning into infinity at the flick of a wrist. Just like Euler's Disk. Also like...
The World Upside Down Goggles
The trickery of prisms strikes again! Here two hunks of Dove plexiglass fit over a pair of glasses' eyepieces to invert all images the wearer sees. Reversing Goggles make for interesting school science experiments, as...
Infinite Dungeon Corridor
The Infinite Dungeon Corridor. Enter at your own risk...and inevitable peril. Ow! I think I jammed my finger on a mirror!...
/whalecum-mat-30299.jpg?mode=crop "Whalecum Mat")
Whalecum Mat
Whalecum, my friends. We have nothing but whalecum for you in this house. Spermy the Whale gives a gushing "Hello!" to all guests who cross the threshold in this delightful Whalecum Mat...
Slow Dance - A Frame that Slows Down Time
Imagine a club in Vegas. A go-go dancer. Strobe lights. It's a spectacle of stop motion animation, the fluidity of movement altered by the way the flashes of light play with your eyes. Now scale that scene way down and...