Body

Spicy Subscriptions Adult Product Boxes (NSFW)

$19.95 - $29 Spicy Subscriptions »

Gifting a lady a Spicy Subscription sexy time box for Valentine's Day is like giving her a treadmill in that her use of it will directly benefit you, but way better because there will be less lag time before you see the...

Game of Thrones Temporary Tattoos

$5 - $20 Etsy »

No girl who applies one of Seventh Skin's Game of Thrones temporary tattoos better get mad at me for staring at her chest. The intricacy, the detail, and the artistry of these short-term odes to Houses Targaryen, Stark...

Liquid Latex Black Light Body Paint (NSFW)

Discontinued

This Liquid Latex Body Paint Black Light Kit is pretty self-explanatory. I don't have much to say about it. Except that, in perusing the image gallery above...I think I found Waldo. It wasn't even that hard. I mean, before...

DUBS Advanced Tech Earplugs

$25 DUBS »

I always wear earplugs when I go out at night. Not only do they protect what little hearing I have left, but if someone ugly comes up and tries to talk to me they also give me an easy out: I just point at my ears, conjure...

Tattly Designer Temporary Tattoos

$5 - $15 Tattly »

I think I want to get permanently inked with: a pair of pliers; a pirate ship; a snarling grizzly bear; and a soft-serve ice cream cone, but I'd like to test drive them for a couple days before finalizing the decision...

Deo Body Odor Candy

Discontinued

Bulgaria. That's the inspiration, the origin, the country we have to thank for Deo, a candy that makes you sweat roses. The Valley of the Roses sits between the Balkan and Sredna Gora mountain ranges in central Bulgaria...

Finfolk Custom Mermaid Tails

By what magnitude would the awesomeness of mud wrestling increase if all the ladies participating got to wear a Finfolk Productions 100% dragonskin and platinum cure silicone mermaid tail? Muddy, slippery, rolling on...

Osteoid - 3D Printed Ultrasound Cast

Great. Now kids are going to start breaking one another's arms just so they can get a sick 3D-printed cast with attached bone stimulator to set and heal it. I mean, that's what I'd do if I were a kid. OK, maybe with a...

HAL Robot Suit - Next Generation Prototype

Japanese robotics company Cyberdyne began their Hybrid Assistive Limb, or HAL trials in 2012. A powered exoskeleton endeavoring to turn humans into cyborg-type robots, HAL has been tested largely in medical facilities...

Whiskey Dick Lube

Discontinued

Who likes the taste of whiskey? OK, all men put your hands down. Now? Hmmm, all women over the age of 40...no, I'll go 50...and with the exception of Christie Brinkley...put your hands down. So that leaves, what, like...

Pinky Queen Nipple Lightener (NSFW)

Sold Out Amazon »

I understand that Pinky Queen nipple...pinkener?...is a boobie beauty tincture developed with a female customer base in mind. And I definitely think females with nipples that are splotchy, unsavorily-hued, or look like...

Eidos Superhuman Senses Gear

To determine whether or not Eidos has grounds to call itself "superhuman" I forced the gear to undergo rigorous, yet fair, questioning and testing...

NapAnywhere Pillow

$44.80 Amazon »

Oh boy, and I think the NapAnywhere pillow looks just enough like a neck brace that I can convince suspicious parties I need it for medical reasons. Let me tell you some things I do not enjoy that will maybe become bearable...

Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay

$4.99 - $10.50 Amazon »

The reviews of Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay - over 1,000 of them! - are so overwhelmingly positive it makes me wonder how I've never before heard of these miraculous bentonite particulates of the earth. Maybe I was...

Temporary Eye Tattoos

$4 Etsy »

I can't tell if these temporary tattoos are attractive or look like someone taped a doily to your eye, but I think girls will like them, so as a nod to girls, I'm going to award Man Nga Liu's makeup alternatives relatively...

Poundtown Condom

In case there was any confusion, Poundtown Condom vendor Say It with a Condom specifies this particular latex shroud is for "anyone who's a Poundtown regular, or is coming for the first time." Haha, get it? There are...

Ninja Turtles Bra

Sold Out Etsy »

Some would say the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are making a comeback. LL Cool J would probably say don't call it a comeback, they've been here for years. Teri Hatcher and John Travolta would warn Leonardo, Michelanglo...

Eyelash Jewelry

$7 - $60 Etsy »

Ma'am, I think you've got something in your eye. Let me just...holy crap! Did you get attacked by an albino peacock? Or did your mom, uh, get frisky with one? What? Ocular embellishments? Eyelash jewelry? Isn't it uncomfortable...

Japanese Tongue Exerciser

Sold Out Amazon »

The most endearing part about the Kuwaete Sukkiri Tongue Exerciser marketing campaign is that it claims the silicone (and grapefruit scented!) apparatus is intended to "help improve your face line and those flabby, sagging...

What Happened Bandages?

Nothing like a little colorful latex with cockamamie explanations of what you did to require bandage coverage to make paper cuts, minor dicing mishaps, and drunken tumbles look a little more admirable. Each box of What...

Pregnant Belly Painting Kit

$14.99 Amazon »

I don't know how I feel about painting pregnant bellies for public display. Well, maybe it would be cool if one were painted with waves and then the small human being inside started kicking and fighting to get out and...

Bone Cast Tattoos

$27 Casttoo »

If you're stuck in a cast, may as well milk the sympathies of the world by showing it what the plaster is covering. Casttoo's Bone Tattoos for the cast-ridden come in a range of styles*, from straight subsurface skeletal...

Black Light Makeup

Discontinued

If you can resign yourself to wearing a face (or body) full of lime green makeup when the boring yellow lights are on, get ready to blow minds when the sexy black ones take over. Fluorescing in brilliant neon hues under...

Ostrich Pillow

$99 Amazon »

If looking like a complete schmo in an Ostrich Pillow means that I can sleep through transcontinental flights and my boss' stories about his Junior Samba Champion grandson, then bring on the gawks and guffaws. I won't...