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Pita Bread Pencil Case

$23.90 Etsy »

I'm calling it a pita bread pencil case because 1) pita bread is often stuffed with gyro meat or chicken souvlaki, both of which are superlatively delicious, and I would be very happy if my pencils and pens and crayons...

Laser Space Cats Leggings

$58.95 Lovelysally »

Laser Cats has finally made the leap from SNL short to Italian women's fashion. Sans copyright infringement given that these leggings' cats shoot lasers from their eyes instead of their mouths, and appear to be permanently...

Wool & Prince Hardly-Ever-Wash-Me Shirt

Do you know how many men in the Pacific Northwest are going to go apeshit when they find out about a wool shirt that will stay wrinkle- and odor-free for 100 days straight...without washing, ironing, or dry cleaning it?...

Batman Car Seat

$149 KidsEmbrace »

A Batman Car Seat?! Kids these days are so spoiled. When I was of car seat age my mama didn't even put me in a car seat. She strapped me down with bungee cords. And only on the inside of the car instead of the roof on...

Radiation Detecting Watch

Wondering what time it is? Wondering if your face is about to melt off? This tactical Swiss quartz watch with an integrated Geiger-Muller tube has your back. A US military gadget supplier designed the timepiece to measure...

Second Skin Star Wars Suits

$63.79 Costume Craze »

Costume Craze has released a whole line of Second Skin Star Wars suits for 2013, but I feel like if a man is going to put a definitive outline of the family jewels on display, the face of a Wookiee would complement them...

Haircut Umbrella

Sold Out Amazon »

Why did the Haircut Umbrella choose for its product model a kid who looks like he has been knocked cross-eyed by the schoolmates who rammed his head through a rain blocker, with its ability to catch flyaway hair clippings...

Cuts of Meat Dress

$62 Etsy »

I love beef, and I love girls, but somehow the combination of the two doesn't work so well for me. The cuts of meat diagram on this dress carries implications of objectifying women and also cannibalism, and that is so...

Tourbillon Watches

Do you know what a tourbillon is? Besides Refined Hardware's ploy to get me to pay nearly $3,000 for their latest edition of watches? By definition a tourbillon is "a frame for the escapement of a timepiece, especially...

Temporary Eye Tattoos

$4 Etsy »

I can't tell if these temporary tattoos are attractive or look like someone taped a doily to your eye, but I think girls will like them, so as a nod to girls, I'm going to award Man Nga Liu's makeup alternatives relatively...

Dark Matter Solid Carbon Fiber Ring

$500 Black Badger »

Carbon fiber for your personal hygiene, carbon fiber for your personal safety, and carbon fiber for your personal style. Black Badger's Dark Matter rings are made of solid, F1-quality carbon fiber plate, with each piece...

The Giant Omnibus of Superpowers T-Shirt

Discontinued

Pop Chart Lab asserts that The Giant Omnibus of Superpowers T-shirt constitutes the most extensive charting of superpowers in the universe. Easy enough to say within the safe confines of Earth, but I have to wonder if...

Legend of Zelda Songrings

$59.99 Etsy »

Can you play the ocarina? Yeah, me neither. I took piano lessons when I was a kid, but after I learned the Top Gun anthem and the theme from Jurassic Park and then refused to play anything else my teacher suggested we...

Baby Head Masks

$500 - $700 Hyperflesh »

People who think babies are angelic and precious, I see your Gerber models, and raise you these three baby head masks. No, make that these three enormous, bulbous, horrifying, spawn-of-Chucky baby head masks. Landon Meier...

Tongue-Mounted Toothbrush

Here are some problems with not brushing your teeth: brown teeth; hot buttered ass breath. Here are some problems with brushing your teeth regularly: gum recession due to hard bristles and/or overzealous brushing techniques;...

Hairy Chest Sweater

$61.34 Firebox.com »

What sucks is that you're either blessed with a dense thatch of chest hair or you're not. There's no cultivating it, no sprinkling of fertilizer that will encourage it to grow. The only legitimate option for those bereft...

Insta-Luck - Authentic Four-Leaf Clover

Sold Out Etsy »

Hell yes I could use some good luck. And the Insta-kind that requires no patience or input on my part would certainly be preferable. But my question is: do these four-leaf clovers that purportedly reverse misfortune...

Spicebomb Cologne

$61.56 - $82.26 Amazon »

To me, the idea of smelling like a bomb of anything connotes an unpleasantly strong and cloying odor, and when I think of a bomb of spices all that comes to mind are the scents that permeate my clothes, my hair, my skin...

Coffee & Cigs - Addictive Molecules Tie

Discontinued

Are your vices suffocating you, or do you wear them proudly as a badge of This is how I am, take it or leave it? In either case, if coffee consumption and cig sucking play important roles in your life, a necktie printed...

Sound-Activated EL Wire Bra

$59.97 - $109.97 Amazon »

Leave no sense unturned with these sound-activated neon EL bras. Except maybe taste. And smell. Revision: leave none of the important senses unturned with these sound-activated neon EL bras. Their battery-operated wire...

Crocheted Optimus Prime Helmet

Discontinued

My grandma used to crochet me things. Yeah, used to. Like she used to make me waffles from scratch. Then she got lazy and just hoped I wouldn't notice when she started replacing the once bountiful discs cratered with...

Henty Wingman Suit Commuter Bag

Sold Out Amazon »

This Goose protects suits from wrinkles and creases, totes tablets, and staves off the rain. Provided you don't fall off your bike or back into something while walking and kill him too. The Henty Wingman, a heavy-duty...

AT-AT Dress

Whenever someone compliments a girl's article of clothing, as in, "That's a nice dress," my friend Kristen always pipes up, "Is it the dress or the girl in the dress?" Touche, Kristen. Typically it is the girl in the...

Gluttony Pants

$100 Beta Brand »

I'm fine with unbuttoning my pants pursuant to acts of gluttony. Way more fine than I am with wearing elastic-waisted jeans, anyway. Dad. But this alternative, this pair of expandable pants designed with human garbage...