10 Things That Won't Protect You from Coronavirus

Posted: March 01, 2020

Coronavirus, Coronavirus, Coronavirus! These days it seems like the disease will latch onto your life like Beetlejuice just by saying its name. But even as COVID-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus, spreads across the world, there are several things you can do to protect yourself from contracting it.

Number 1 coronavirus combatant: wash your hands with soap and warm water. This is preferable to using anti-bacterial gels. Also spray and wipe down home and office surfaces you use regularly to help clear nasty lurkers from them. When you cough and sneeze, cover your mouth. No, not with the hands you just washed, with the inside of your elbow you don't spend all day touching objects and people with.

It's the small stuff, the back-to-the-basics efforts everyone can make to help protect themselves both from getting and from spreading the coronavirus. Not to mention colds, flus, and a host of other diseases.

Now that we've covered what will help keep you healthy and coronavirus-free, let's talk about why we're here, the things that definitely won't protect you from coronavirus. Beware the following 10 products, and don't let yourself be swept in, suckered, or bamboozled. They're shiny things with lofty promises, but I'm sorry, they won't protect you from coronavirus.

Super Size Mask

If a regular surgical mask can help curtail the coronavirus, a Super Size Mask should do the same job times 10 right? Like a super-sized response to a super bug?

Nope, no deal. The Super Size Mask won't provide more protection from the coronavirus. In fact, it won't provide any protection at all.

It will, however, make you look like Martin Short as Jiminy Glick.

$7.99 ➠ Amazon

Norton 360 Deluxe

But! But! It says it's an antivirus! That means it kills viruses...or keeps them away...or something. And one single treatment works on up to 3 devices - me, She-Ra: Princess of Power, and my mama - for a whole year, with auto renewal so the protection never lapses. How can Norton 360 Deluxe be coronavirus snake oil? I feel like that plus Jim Bakker's Silver Sol would pretty much make me invincible against this disease.

$19.99 ➠ Amazon

Derucap Collapsible Disaster Helmet

A pandemic is a form of disaster, right? So, if we follow the logic, the Derucap, a product clearly marked "disaster helmet," will provide some protection against the coronavirus. It's the logical conclusion. And we are a logical species. We must always follow the logic, and therefore we must all wear Derucap Collapsible Disaster Helmets to combat the coronavirus!

$36 ➠ Taica Wellness

Beer Caramelizer Campfire Tool

Despite what it looks like, this hot rod will not kill the virus living in your bottles of Corona. There is nothing you can buy to kill the Coronavirus. However, the Beer Caramelizer Campfire Tool will give your Corona a richer, smoother, multi-dimensional flavor that will make drinking its virus much more palatable.

$34.99 ➠ Amazon

Edible Asian Forest Scorpion

Yes, the Asian forest scorpion is deadly, but unfortunately in this form it is also dead, so eating one won't kill off the coronavirus inside your body.

That said, I wouldn't recommend acquiring and ingesting a live Asian Forest Scorpion in an effort to destroy the virus either.

$19.99 ➠ Amazon

Ninja Bandages

I know, I thought the same thing when I saw these Ninja Bandages: what virus would risk a fight with a ninja to get inside my body? Especially if I were wearing, like, 52 of them and my friend Cornelius and 2 million other people in my city were wearing none. Wouldn't it opt to infect Cornelius, et. al. and leave me alone?

Sadly, no. Ninja Bandages are one more letdown in our quest to buy shit online that will protect us from coronavirus.

$7.95 ➠ Amazon

HiBed Italian Smart Bed

Just because you're under the weather doesn't mean you have contracted the coronavirus. The flu is still much more common in the US right now. But if you're feeling sick, try to stay home so: 1) you don't spread whatever you might have caught, even if it's just a cold; and 2) you don't enter into the world with your immune system compromised and more susceptible to getting something worse than you already have.

The HiBed Italian Smart Bed won't just make following this advice a little easier when you're sick, but a reason to pretend you're sick even when you feel great. Equipped with a 4K projector with surround sound speaker system and retractable 70" screen, built-in ambient and path lighting, integrated alarm and notification system, and an add-on lap desk, you can sleep, eat, work, chill, eat some more, chill some more, sexy it up, and go back to sleep again all from the confined, virus-eschewing / quarantining comfort of your HiBed.

Learn More ➠ Hi-Interiors

Outbreak! - Epidemics that Terrorized the World

No immunization help whatsoever from Outbreak! but at least learning about all a ton of other major epidemics that occurred throughout history will help ease your mind to the gravity of this one.

Or not.

$9.79 ➠ Amazon

Pheromone-Enhanced Tactical Durden Soap

Actually this has the best chance of any of these products to protect you from the coronavirus, but not because it's pheromone-enhanced, tactical, or named after a man known for beating the shit out of things. It's the word "soap" that dings the pandemic-prevention bell here, because as all the scientists and doctors keep reiterating, the best way to protect yourself from contracting or transmitting the coronavirus is to wash your hands.

The pheromone-enhanced tactical Durden part of this cedarwood-scented cleanser might help you get laid though.

$19.95 ➠ Grondyke Soap Company

WaterBrick Stackable Water & Food Storage

WaterBricks won't protect you from the coronavirus, but the stackable water and food storage containers will enable you to better prepare for the possibility of Costco closing its doors and your family being advised not to run amok in public on account of a coronavirus pandemic.

WaterBricks are made of high density polyethylene (HDPE) strong enough to withstand years of knocks and bumps in the backs of trucks and in homes with children, and have 2 interior conical reinforcement columns designed to keep them locked together even in a disaster. They come in multiple shapes and sizes, most BPA-free and suitable for holding water and food without leaching chemicals into them.

Prices Vary ➠ Amazon

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